It’s the first time I call it by it’s name. Because it’s the first time I seek professionnal help to go through… everything that has been. Everything that remains.
A lot has been going on lately. I’m learning. And every time I learn something new, what I thought I knew vanishes.
The more I learn, the more I let go.
It becomes easier as I grow.
I once fought against demons I never wanted to name. A name would give them power. Would make them too real.
I always got angry at those who told me they didn’t want to live anymore. They irritated me. How could someone so young want to end their lives ? I didn’t understand. I thought they were weak. And I believed myself to be strong.
That was until I wanted to kill myself.
Abrupt change of perspective.
I was 21.
I was living with my parents back then, after things got messed up in my life. I grew up being told some things are better left unsaid. That I should always stay positive. Negative emotions were not an option. So I put on a mask every single day, pretended to be okay. I discovered how much of a great actress I was. I fooled friends, family, employers, coworkers. But inside, I was looking at other options that made themselves available, courtesy of the darkness within. Gun, rope, bridge, blade, I went through all the scenarios available. Medication overdose seemed to be the best one. It would be like falling asleep. And it would give me time.
I could be found before I died.
I could be found before I died.
I could be found before I died
I didn’t want to die. I wanted to be found. I wanted to be heard. To be seen. To be felt. I wanted others to understand the pain I was going through. I didn’t want to be a good girl and pretend everything was okay anymore. I didn’t want to keep everything inside like I always did. But I was afraid. I was told so often « don’t change » but I knew I had changed already. Family took it lightly, friends… I didn’t want to disappoint them, to be anything other than the smiling, happy girl I always was with them.
I wanted to be heard but I didn’t know how to speak.
Anger raised its hand. « Let me help, » it told me. So I let it speak for me. Towards my parents. Towards my sister. Hurting them hurt me more. That’s when Numbness showed up. « I know a better way ».
No anger. No sadness. No joy. No hope. All my feelings, frozen into the ice field that became my heart. Internet helped a lot with that. I became addicted to it, trying to fill the void. Scrolling down endless Tumblr pages, watching countless Youtube videos, joining many online forums, everything always a screen away. It was good enough if it kept me away from myself.
I turned 23.
I took everything I loved and turned it into something I loathed. Even, at one point, writing and books.
Sometimes, even numbness couldn’t hold everything in. Sometimes, I would explode. Ticking bomb with a broken clockwork. Even I never knew when I would break.
I saw no future for myself. I tried, but all I could feel was fear. I could see all the reasons why it would go wrong, because so many things already had. I was unable to live. Yet unwilling to die.
I got 26.
It took me years. Years before I could finally see myself clearly. Years before the ice melt. Truth made its way out, through many teachers, trials and self-discoveries. Addiction vanquished, feelings felt freely and openly talked about, the future seemed clearer. The darkness inside finally received a name once I knew it wouldn’t take me away anymore. Depression. A word I can finally say without feeling diminished by what it means, what it implies. It doesn’t feel like a badge of honor to wear on a warrior’s uniform, a reminder of victory. It just feels right to use it today, for it helps me to understand better what I went through.
Healing started through prayer. Meditation. The discovery of spirituality. Of not being alone even when I physically am. Without God, I wouldn’t feel the peaceful strength I feel today.
I keep following the path of my many scars. Gliding my fingers lovingly along their lines. They spell a name I never heard of before. « Codependency ». I seeked the help I need to heal what I cannot see all by myself. Teachers meet me where I need them to be. And I feel no shame. No guilt. Only love for the next steps on my way.
It is not about fighting nor conquering. It’s about healing and loving. Therapy means nurturing. I’m taking care of myself, in the most healthy way. A way I never thought I would take.
I’m on the path of Love.
I’ll be 27.