Grief

I woke up two mornings in a row, upset, thinking about you. I didn’t understand why but I let it be. If that’s how I was supposed to feel, I would feel it. But then, this morning, as I wondered why again, I understood.

I’m grieving you.

I know I will miss you. I will miss your warmth, how your smile light up an entire room, how you always seemed to be there, no matter what. I will miss how easy it was to show the ugliness inside with you and how you would always find the words to make it beautiful. I will miss the many ways in which you were you.

But I won’t miss the fights. The resentment between us. The envy. The guilt. I won’t miss feeling like I’m letting myself down to please you. I won’t miss the seemingly endless drama around us. I won’t miss our miscommunications.

I didn’t know who I was when we met. I just know I wanted to be loved. And I thought I was unlovable as I was. So I hid from you. Lied to myself. Unknowingly manipulated you, just to get your approval. I wanted to be worthy of your love, yet I didn’t want it to hurt. So I knew not to trust. God knows how many scars trust left on my heart.

And yet, I learnt to trust you. I learnt how to be vulnerable with you. I learnt there is always a risk of being hurt when we love.

Our relationship seemed doomed from the very beginning, built on shaky grounds. But I wanted to believe in us. We have been through so much already. I had faith we would get through this too, no matter how long it takes. Even without each other.

I decided to tell you the truth.

I told you the truth because I couldn’t stand the thought of being with you and ignore all those feelings I once felt, toxic foundations of what we became. Staying by your side and keeping my mouth shut would be yet another lie on top of the others. I learnt I had to make amends. I learnt I had to show who I was. Who I am. Even if it meant losing you. I would rather you reject me a hundred times for telling you the truth of my feelings rather than to earn your love feeding you with lies.

I know I will miss you. In a way, I already do. The memories of us still live inside of me and I will use my words to shape them into a concrete vision of us. I will create us into a piece of art.

I am happy I could come clean to you, drop the pretense of the past. I grieve you. I grieve us. But I’m willing to feel. Because I do not suffer. Hurt will fade into love. Pure. Simple. Even at the end of the world, I know I will still love you. Even if we are to live the rest of our lives apart from each other. Nothing can take away what we learnt together.

You will remain in my art.
You will remain in my heart.

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