Worth

I’ve been afraid to share these past few days. I told myself it was so I could work on other projects and read the pile of books I borrowed from the library, but truth be told, I put myself under pressure and trying to get out.

In the post where I talked about my relationship with money, at one point, I wrote that I was ready to earn money for my writing. It’s a paragraph I deleted after many days of introspection and scrutiny of my needs. What I learnt about money didn’t change but the idea of earning money for my art was thrown overboard.

I don’t know what my work is worth. And I don’t want to pressure it to look a certain way, to please certain people, so it would bring cash in. I tried on Medium and, while it’s not a failure (I feel happy about the first and, so far, only post that remains there), the experiment is certainly not the success I expected to feel inside. There was no freedom nor joy that came with the second post I shared there, and I promptly deleted it after one day or two, leaving only one behind.

This isn’t about money but about my self-worth. If my work ends up giving me money but I feel no pleasure doing it, what’s in there for me to own but misery? I knew I wouldn’t be one who would post regularly and that my ideas wouldn’t bring anything new on the table, but writing to earn something… It’s an idea I tried to embrace in the past and I thought I felt ready to embrace it again, but it turns out that this isn’t something that is meant for me.

My writing could earn me money but I am not built in a way that I would be able to run after it.

I believe people are able to decide the worth they give something. I like the idea of donations, patrons, much more than the idea of trying for money. If you like what I do, so be it. If you don’t, it’s okay too. I write not for a career but for my own pleasure, and thinking about money when I write takes away all of it. It’s like making love with a to-do list in mind. There’s no soul to be found.

I need spontaneity. I need to feel free to express myself the way I want to. And while I do believe that being educated about money is important, how much I truly need for my goals is not as much as the world teaches me to believe. I read blog posts about people making 60 000$ a year and being unhappy about it and, while I do know that their needs and mine are different, at the point I am now, this is a little more than three times what I currently earn. This would be more than enough for me, and it might be a goal for a future career involving the words of others but not for my own creativity.

I remain a hobbyist for this craft, and that’s where I find my true joy. I am certainly going to try new things, give up on some, continue with others, and that’s where I find success, in stretching my comfort zone until I find what is meant for me to break through it. I will still write on Medium since I have projects that seems better suited for that platform, but this time, I’ll do so without expectations and, most importantly, I’ll keep this blog a priority, for it allows me the freedom of creation I crave for.

All I need is to like what I write. If you like it too, that’s a sweet bonus. Thank you for believing my words are worthy of your time.

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